5/30/03 - bonus entry! (Pretend it's Saturday)
K - so I realized that I'm probably going to be busy all weekend, and won't have a chance to add to the Stitch, so today you're getting TWO entries - be sure to scroll down and read FRIDAY'S REAL entry, because you wouldn't want to miss anything about my life, right??
So, for Saturday's discussion, I want to talk about something I know a plenty about:
Embarrassing car wrecks.
Now, before you start driving on sidewalks to avoid my oncoming vehicle, the last accident I had was many years ago - now I'm a super-ultra-duper safe driving chickadee.
I've never received a ticket for speeding (knock on wood) and I've never killed anything, except a bunny a few years back - and he was a suicidal bunny, anyway. I saw it in his eyes just before he hurled himself in front of my front tire. I swear it's true.
My first car wreck was six months into car ownership. I had a really groovy souped-up V-8 Ford Fairmont Futura. My first boyfriend, who was total car-fixin' genius, found an old clunker and vamped it up sweet for me. He painted it jet black, pinstriped and detailed a slick red "H" (For either "Hellion" or "Heather" - take your pick) on the door, and the "H-Mobile" was born.
I was a brand new high school graduate - something from a Meatloaf song, and newly-cool, because I was the only one in my group of geeks who had wheels.
One night a friend and I went out to Oswego College to hang with some of our other high school friends and we had a great night. We drove home - it was a typical central NY winter night - cold and icy. We both lived on a rural oil and stone "paved" road that only got maintained once a month (or so it seemed) so it was a challenge to stay 'on track' during winter. On this night all those fun slushy-oatmealy tire ruts had frozen into rock-hard slippery tire ruts. Fun!
So I was cruising home after dropping my friend off - there's a house halfway between my house and my friend's house and this "everybodyloveshim" guy lived there. He was always having fun parties - but my friend and I were either too young, or too geeky to ever get invited.
"Well," I think to myself. "Tonight's the night that I can make a cool impression, because hey! I HAVE WHEELS!"
I roared, spinning around the curve, and I see a gazillion cars parked up and down the road. It's a party night, (could I be any more lucky?) and I start honking my horn ever-so-cheerfully. I'm honking to all those cool party-goers:
"Heeeeeyyyy, look at me! I'm way cool! I have a car! Invite me to your next party! I am so cool! Did I mention I have a car? I'm so totally way cool! I'm so beyond------
BLAMMO!
It seemed like hours. My car hit a patch of black ice, started spinning aroundandaroundandaroundandaround and BLAMMO I drove head on into one of those very cool party attendant vehicles. As if that's not nearly enough to catapult me into Geekdom for eternity, my car refused to stop, and it because it had the weight of an Army tank behind it, it manages to push this sweet little compact car all the way across the front lawn, resting comfortably two inches from the front window of the house - where every cool person in the world was staring down at me in utter disbelief.
After "everybodyloveshim" dude finished towing my crushed tank home, I was NOT invited to his parties.
My next embarrassing car wreck is a quickie. It involves me, the H-mobile again, and a gas station.
I am driving out to move to my new apartment in Utica for college - I had my boyfriend with me and the H-mobile needed gas. I pulled up and he jumped out to pump the fuel. I was too far from the pump for him to reach my tank with the gas noxxle, so he motioned me to pull ahead a bit.
Foot on brake, pop gear into drive
CRASH!
I have grown to hate that sound of metal-on-metal and that intant panicking-before-I-am-aware-of-what's-really-happening feeling.
Rewind, slow motion version: I put my foot on the brake, pop the transmission into "D" for "Drive." At that very split nano-second moment, my H-mobile betrayed me and my car seat lever suddenly freaked out. My entire front bench seat flew backwards - ALL THE WAY BACKWARDS - my foot slid OFF the brake and careened onto THE GAS PEDAL, which propeled the tank-weight H-mobile directly into the back end of the car in front of me - which has just been filled with gas.
Before I realized what was happening, I had driven that poor car forward by about forty feet and slammed it into the chain fence at the end of the gas station's parking lot.
I whisper to myself, "compose thyself, do not freak."
I look in my rear-view mirror and my boyfriend is standing there with the gas pump in his hand, mouthing the words, "WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!"
Truth be told, I had no clue.
Thankfully nobody was hurt - not even a little bit.
I didn't get a ticket on that one either. The cop stood there, shaking his head, trying not to laugh at me, trying not to laugh at what a piece of crap my car was, and trying not to laugh at how totally embarrassed I was.
Slide me down a few more pegs on the "Cool" scale and up a few toward Geek Goddess.
My next accident was probably the most frightening of all of my accidents, but people actually think it's FUNNY for some reason.
Hmmm.
I was drving home from the store and was a little patch of road with water running over it. No biggie - when you live in the sticks, you get used to stuff like that. Beaver dams break after big rains, and you either take your chances, or wait six months until the road crew comes out to inspect everything. Blah, blah, blah . . .
The cars in front of me were all proceeding forward without incident, so I proceed slowly, with caution, and that familiar sound comes crashing through my ears -
GRRRRRRRRUNCH
"Ahhhferpetessake, WHAT NOW??" I cried.
My front @#%*ing tire had somehow gone crashing through the road.
Apparently these damned country roads have things called CULVERTS under them. And when the water from an exploded beaver dam comes gushing forth, and pushes those CULVERTS out from under the pavement, there nothing left to support said road, and stuff like TIRES and CARS and PEOPLE will fall through said Country Road.
I cursed John Denver - this was one country road that wasn't gonna be takin' me home anytime soon. Meanwhile traffic was STILL crossing the road - people were drving around me. One gentleman pulled up and opened his door for me to get in - it's a good thing, because as I opened my door, I looked down and saw NO ROAD under me. He grabbed my hand and yanked me in and drove me back to my house, where I grabbed my Dad and we drove back down to my stuck car (this was not the H-mobile - but a new little Fiero that I adored). We planned to hook up a chain and pull it free when we arrived at the bridge.
"Not so fast, Missy!" Mr. Officer grabbed my tee-shirt and pulled me back to reality. "This road's gonna go!"
And it did. And my little white Fiero stuck its pretty little nose in the air for one proud moment, bobbed and danced for a few moments more . . .and dutifully sank to the bottom of that stupid road river.
So, when the water from an exploded beaver dam comes gushing forth, and pushes those CULVERTS out from under the pavement, New York State calls it
AN ACT OF GOD.
That was the official result when I asked them to help pay off the car loan. NYS doesn't cover ACTS OF GOD.
A few days after this ACT OF GOD, after the waters had receded, after I was featured on the local news as being "A LUCKY WOMAN" and after all the local townspeople had named this 'road river' a place of interest, I took a drive over to see what all the fuss was about.
Some local, who had no idea who I was, came walking over, shaking his head, pointing at the small corner of Fiero trunk peeking out from the rocks and scuttling crawfish.
"Yep. We all come down here last night and done busted apart that there trunk. We heard that the gal who done owned this car had a million dollars hid in the trunk. But all's we could find wuz a bunch of costume books. Go figger."
Peace, till next.
5/30/03 HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!
I'm pleased to report that Brian didn't pass out or hurt himself during the marathon last night! He did, however, come home reaking of Flexall. And he brought me toilet paper and pickle relish - ain't he THE BERRIES???? I'm definitely keeping him.
The truck is still in the garage getting the hood fixed. We're supposed to get it back tonight. We're all thinking about going to see Little Feat, tonight. Should be a great time!
If you'll beeeee my Dixie Chicken, I'll be yo' Tenesee laaaaamb . . . and we kin wa-haaalk together, down in dixieeeeee-land. . .
~~~~~dodododododododododododododo~~~~~
Tomorrow we are going to look at the inside of a house! This is the first one that we will have liked enough to see the inside.
I take that back - I always want to see the inside, but my better half is good at keeping things in perspective. He avoids the houses that are collapsing.
So far I have loved every house we've looked at. Brian has liked none of them. This house - the one we're looking at - I don't care for it too much. It's kind of ugly on the outside. . .
Brian likes it though, and if history is any indication of what works and what doesn't work - this will be THE HOUSE. So, I figure if Brian loves it and I hate it, it'll be perfect!
So, I'm hopeful . . . (but I'm not.) If I stay uninterested, it'll be perfect. (But it IS perfect - just don't tell anyone!) I hate it. (But I really love it)
How's that for logic? ;-)
Peace, till next.
5/29/03 Thursday
Brian is going to be Superman today! He is participating in a several-mile run after work - although he says it'll be a several-mile walk for him. I'm gonna stay at home and stuff my face with toasted pitas and dill-cucumber hummus. mmmmmmm. (Only because I ate all the Runts - read below) But I'll send him "virtual" cheers (Go, Brian! Rah! Rah! Rah!)
I was going to surprise the boy with a home made mango cheesecake, recipe supplied by friend Queenie, but as I got ready to head to the store, I remembered we're down to one vehicle today - and Brian's got it!
So, ummm, YEAH! That's why I'm not participating in the Ungodly HOT, long, icky walk today! It has nothing to do with the fact that I avoid that sort of healthy activity whenever possible! It's because I have no vehicle today!
We have a manly-man, testosterone-pumping SUV that we use for hauling kayaks, bikes, rollerblades, skydiving gear, camping equipment and usually a few stray boys who have injured their own vehicles. It is a beast - capable of leaping tall buildings - if only I would let Brian try it.
Last weekend Brian was getting ready to do his monthly oil change and tune-up and he pulled the little hood latch to open it.
Nothing.
He tried a few more times and couldn't get it to open. He wiggled up under the vehicle and shoved his hand up to where the hood latch unhooks the hood and wriggled his fingers around trying to free the hood from the catch.
Nothing.
He jammed his hand up there futher - straining his fingers - because he is DA-MAN and he never gives up easily!
He must've tried for a while - he was gone for about an hour by my own estimation. But as he tried to free HIMSELF from the squished-up-into-the-hood position, he realized he was stuck. Being the give-it-a-hundred-and-ten-percent kind of guy that he is, he had managed to wriggle his way into the mechanical mess of metal and off-road dust just a little too much - and was now unable to break free.
He told me later there was no one around to help him, so he just kinda waited it out until his hand got sweaty enough to slide out.
But the bad news is that the garage people can't do anything, except break apart our grill and bust into the truck like criminals. I guess it's going to be expensive, but at least Brian's got his hand back - and thank the stars he hadn't drained the oil BEFORE he tried to unlatch the hood!
FABULOUS MOVIE ALERT: Ohhhhh, Brian brought home another movie rental last night and WOW. I'm gonna offer my two thumbs up, Brian's two thumps up, and all four of our big toes for the movie The Pianist.
Once you get past the ten minutes of sophomoric humor of saying "Pianist" really fast several dozens of times, you will be hit with some pretty powerful emotions. The story, the cast, the imagery - wow, wow, wow.
I cried. I fell in love with Adrien Brody - who was nothing short of BRILLIANT in this film.
Not a lot of laughter in this one - and I sat through the entire movie and never made a single comment - and that, dear friends, is a rarity. Rent it! Buy it! Watch it!
I hope one of the boys buys me some Runts. I've resorted to eating the yellow nanner ones. Shudder
And remember dear people: For those who keep writing - I am not the Very Merry MISTRESS and it's not that kind of website!
Peace, till next.
5/28/03 What day is it??
Soooo busy with orders and trying to find solutions to shipping dilemmas. I've been spending many hours on the computer, but no time to keep up with my journal! My apologies, dear friends!
Brian reported that the river was NOT 950, and after he and Joe ran it, they leaned that it was 3000!!!! INSANE!!!!! No lectures though about being dangerous. They both had a fabulous time and lived to tell the story, so I'm happy.
I'm addicted to colorful candies called Runts. I've been buying them like crazy and eating them by the pound. What's wrong with me? I'm kind of weird about it though, becuase I love all of them except the yellow nanner ones. So I have this huge bowl filled with the discarded yellow nanner runts and I'm trying to think of something creative to do with them. I have a few ideas, so I'll keep you all posted.
I have a problem though. Yesterday I was insanely craving a Runt fix, so I ran down to the only local store that has them and bought . . .
THE LAST BAG AVAILABLE IN TOWN!
Ack! Now what? What am I going to do when the next Runt craving hits and I've consumed this entire bag?? There's no way I'll resort to eating the yellow nanner ones, so that's out. Do you think eBay would have them? I'll have to put it on my list of things to investigate.
Stuff we've done: Geof came over the other night and we all went to rent a movie after we placed the ultimate order of chicken wing pizza and a doz-wings. (Hot sauce rules)
At the video rental place there were no good new movies avaialble. So we each decided to pick something from the old rentals. Geof and Brian, of course, selected a documentary of extreme sport footage, boasting lots of crash-n-burn scenes.
I, being of taste and class,(And loudly pointing it out) selected an obscure film, hidden at the bottom of the shelves, starring famed Russell Crowe in his younger years. I saw a flash of that "Academy Award" looking golden heraldic crest - but admittedly, once I saw it, I didn't actually READ it, and I didn't know for certain if it WAS actually an award.
My thinking:
Russell Crowe
Professional-looking award banner logo-thingy
I've got a pretty good chance at getting a really good movie here! How wrong could I be???
Lesson: Never let Heather pick out real estate or old movies.
For those who haven't seen it, "Romper Stomper," (what little we actually watched), is NOT a good movie.
It would be impossible for it to have won an award unless is was for "Crappiest movie ever." And this must've been before Good Ole Russ had a few acting lessons under his belt. Granted - he wasn't horrible, but the movie itself was not tasteful, and it was not classy, and the boys realized that I, as well, am neither of those things.
(at least when it comes to picking movies)
Geof and Brian thought it was funny - because during their whole stupid MALE TESTOSTERONE movie, I kept commenting on their bad choice of movie - It was supposed to be extreme footage, but there was only one good crash, and they kept showing it over and over and over and over and over and over . . . .
But their movie choice was a gazillion times better than mine was, so I'm keeping my mouth shut and letting the boys pick movies from now on.
Peace, till next.
5/26/03 HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!!!!
We've been house hunting non-stop and although we see perhaps one possible future home for every 15 we look at, it's still very exciting. We're having a great time, but we only really get to do hard-core searching on the weekends, so we're trying to cram as much in as possible over this long holiday weekend.
Our real estate agent got in touch with us this morning and we have a hopeful home. I won't go into details because I'm known to have poor instincts with these things, so I'll wait until we're postitive this is THE ONE. The real estate agent seems to think it might be, so I'm ever-hopeful.
Brian is doing a few skydives this morning, and then he and Joey Ryan are hitting the Salmon River this afternoon. It's running at 950 - which is a little more push than I enjoy, so I opted out and will fill gown orders today.
Peace, till next.
5/23/03 HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!
He did it again.
Mr. Brian - aka - MR. ROMANCE dazzled me with a fabulous surprise last night. For those who don't already know, my guy, Brian, is a true master of the art of romance.
A little background: Back in March, Brian and I were both appearing in a play together. He as the hero, I was the heroeine, as luck would have it.
During the final scene together, the hero "wins" the girl and the show ends with a song, dance and a bow. Welllllll, Mr. B. decided that the final performance would be the perfect opportunity to get down on bended knee and propose to yours truly - right there in front of the cast, crew and entire audience!
Of course, I said yes - if I hadn't, I would have been booed offstage - It was, afterall, a melodrama. Brian earned a standing ovation, and I got a really cool family of in-laws! :-)
Anyway - back to last night. My favorite flowers are lilacs. Love them. If I could capture that smell and turn it into a food, I would give up chocolate forever. Anyone who has evern been to the Rochester area knows all about the Highland Lilacs. They're worldwide famous - and there are a buttload of them in Highland Park. Rochester holds an annual Lilac Festival - which ended last week - but the lilacs are in peak bloom right now.
B packed a big picnic dinner and suprised me with a hike through the lilacs and dinner right at the top of Highland Park, amidst all those fragrant blossoms - and fed me grapes, olives, cheese . . . and root beer! I was on top of the world!
After dinner he surprised me again with a sunset roller blade through the Canal Park! Another one of my favorite things to do!
The boy is scoring HUGE points!
Speaking of the boy, he's also part of a competitive skydiving team, in case ya didn't know. In a day or so I'll be posting a link to the team's website - (soon to be unleashed!)
Peace, till next.
5/22/03 Thursday
Kudos to Brian! Every house we look at is the PERFECT house to me. However, Brian apparently has much better instincts than I do.
We found one last night - 2000 sq ft, in the country, seven acres. The house itself wasn't anything special, but I squealed with delight when I saw the big, bushy lilac tree, the HUGE deck in the back, a place to have CHICKENS, the Koi pond, (Yes, a Koi Pond!) and the BEST part - a kayaking river in the back yard! WOOHOO!
Brian said, "We should wait. This is one of the first houses we've seen. We can't take the first house we look at."
"P'shaw, " I spouted." It's PERFECT!"
The real estate agent called today. Apparently the house is ready to collapse. The floor and subfloor are rotten. Sure, the acreage is gorgeous, but the house is a deathtrap, whispering to suckers like me, "Buy me! Buy me!"
Basically it's a one-holer outhouse on Windsor Palace's lawn.
We'll look around some more this weekend, but I'm going to start listening to Brian's intuition.
A request: I want someone to invent a few things for me. So for all of you creative folks out there, listen up. These are great money-makers - you just gotta do the work to make them real.
First, could someone PLEASE develop a cat food that smells like roses when the cat rids his/herself of it? I think my cat exceeds all levels on the average stink-o-meter and I would pay serious money for a cat food that would get rid her of that daily stench. The smell is so bad that it actually scares the cat. She has a total freak-out session every time she uses the litter box. I'm convinced it's because she's trying to shake the smell off.
Take the worst smelling dead, rotting animal you've ever caught a wiff of, multiply if by fifty, then imagine the smell of that animal's crap and you've got Mehitabel's level of stink.
The second invention I would like to see on the market is an undergarment. Being a cleavage-challenged gal, I just don't fit in well with the Renaissance crowd, where ample bosoms are not only a blessing, but somewhat necessary to properly fill out a bodice. On the other hand - I have no problems in the buttocks area. In fact, every piece of chocolate I eat rests very comfortably on my backside.
Here's what I propose: Make an undergarment - some sort of girdle - that will take my backside fat, stretch it around to the front, and move it up on my body to my breast region, giving the illusion of positively perfect cleavage!
You could make gazillions.
You could give it a really catchy name like "Wonderwear" and chicks like me would appear in your television commercials, spilling out of their bodices and telling the world:
"I never leave the house without my WONDIES !"
Peace, till next.
5/21/03 Wednesday
My gal Ambie and I are gonna Flugtag it on August 9 in Chicago! We've got the most awesome design, costumes and all sorts of fun planned - we're shooting for showmanship and creativity - not distance. ;-)
We need "pushers" though, so if you want to push me off a big ledge, let me know. All the other details are a BIG SECRET, so be sure to check back when we're ready to give details! We'll be submitting our sketches and other paperwork this week, and will be notified in June as to whether we've been accepted - as soon as we know, you will know!
House hunting is SO MUCH FUN! We've been driving around aimlessly looking at all the houses (even the ones that aren't for sale) and making silly comments.
"Too naked."
"Too brown."
"Too far out of our league!"
We both seem to adore barns. Each time we see a big barn, we both comment on how cool it would be as a house. And Brian of course, thinks a silo would be a great place to put up climbing holds.
(By the way, we've already decided that our interior decorating will consist of climbing holds in all the rooms, and I'll go through after they've been installed and do some very cool Trompe L'oeil painting on top of them!)
Weekend forecast - Miserable. So tomorrow we're going to soak up the last of this week's nice weather, hit the canal park trails on blades, and spend the weekend looking for houses and trying to stay warm! You do the same! :-)
Peace, till next.
5/19/03 Monday
Brian and I have been approved for a mortgage! That means we're officially buying a brand new home (well, new to us) within the next few months!
On an email note: Folks, I always, always, always answer my emails within 24 hours, so if you're not getting a response from me, it's because you've got some sort of SPAM filter on your email account and your email provider is blocking me from responding to you.
I never ignore any emails and at least once a day, I get returned "undeliverable" email from someone who has a blocked email account - which means that any response I send to you is *not* being delivered to you and you wind up thinking that I'm blowing you off - and that is something I would never, ever do.
So, if you email me and don't get a response, it's not because I didn't answer you. You need to fix your email box or contact your email provider and have them unblock me from sending emails to you. If you email me again complaining that I didn't answer your email, it won't do you any good, because each time I answer you, my email is being returned.
Mother's Day Belated: Sorry about not updating on Sunday - road trip to visit Mom and give her a Mother's Day gift (a big fat outdoor-ceramic cat named Duncan) Mom has since called to report:
"Shannon put Duncan next to the diving board, and everytime I go outside he scares the crap out of me because I think there's some sort of big, fat animal sitting there getting ready to chew me apart."
So my Mother's day gift scares the crap out of my mother. The sisters bought mom a way cool patio set and made my stupid Duncan cat look like a booger.
Hmmm. Gowns begging to be finished. Must go.
Peace, till next.
5/17/03 Sigh, Saturday :-)
To the writers of THE MATRIX II. I'm really angry with you. Yeah, you made cool costumes, and for that I'm really happy, and it makes me want to be Trinity and wear PVC clothes all day. You also made Keanu Reeves look hot in that black coat, (and I'm no Keanu fan!)! But, dear Matrix writers, you really let me down. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, so 'nuff said.
On the other hand, I saw a verywaycool preview for the upcoming movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean," starring the always loverly Johnny Depp and downright-droolworthy Orlando Bloom (AKA Legolas from LOTR fame)
Read a book: Anything by Nick Bantock.
Interesting tidbit: I asked Brian to tell me about Mexican Jumping Beans and he told me to look it up, (In other words, he didn't know anything about them), so I DID.
Those are some fun little critters. They hatch from their eggs outside the bean (which is actually some sort of seed pod and not a bean) and they climb into the beans to live. They hop around, eating the crud on the inside of the bean, and then they make this Batman-esque escape-trap door on the bean wall. Once that trap door is done, they hibernate and turn into a moth. Once they become a moth, they squeeze out the trap door and live happy moth lives. . .
BUT NOT THE ONES STUCK TO CARDS AND SOLD IN GAS STATIONS!!!
What a downer! All those little jumping cards at the Gas 'n Go are filled with doomed moths. Apparently we don't have the right vegetation, or the right temperatures, so even if they live long enough to make their trap doors, they are still going to die. So I guess we have to either stop buying the poor little bean worms, or make a trip down to Mexico after they hatch so they can live their happy moth lives with good food to eat.
Plans: The boys are skydiving today (when there's sun, it's skydiving, when there's rain, it's kayaking) I'm swamped with work, so I'm home watching EastEnders and sewing. Later I plan to strap on the blades, head down to the Erie canal park and feed the duckies. If you want a laugh, come and join us. One of the boys usually winds up with a broken body part or bleeding knee/elbow/head, and it's all I can do to keep from rolling into the canal while feeding the feathery critters. ;-)
Peace, till next.
5/16/03 Friday!!!!!
I don't know what those crazy muslin makers are thinking. Why on Earth are they writing on my fabric? And why do they do it right in the MIDDLE??
So, I'm almost done making a muslin chemise, and all the sudden, during final inspection, I see this booger-green "8" right in the middle of the garment.
Yeah, I know muslin's inexpensive - and it's probably inexpensive because some moron is running around the muslin factory with a box of neon Sharpies, marking up the bolts. (I know it's not a woman, because she would've drawn that "8" off to the side in a more inconspicuous location.)
I really dislike that Marker Maniac. If you see him, tell him I'm not pleased and that if insists on coloring on my fabric, he needs to pick a different color. Booger-green just doesn't do it for me.
Read a book: "The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver. You can buy it in paperback at Walmart for five bucks. Cheaper than a movie and better for your brain. ;-)
Peace, till next.
5-15-03 Thursday
Normally Thursday is SURVIVOR night, and all "The Boys" usually come over for beers and shouting matches at the television, but since the series ended last Sunday, and the weather is perfect for outdoor fun, plans will probably not include television.
Work: I'm finishing up a wedding party and several gown packages that are all due by the beginning of June. As most people know, I'm really obsessive about meeting deadlines, so they'll probably all be finished by the end of this week.
Family: Just found out my sister is expecting a BOY!!! She is due in September. We're all really excited about the first of the "next generation" in our family.
Plans: The Matrix opens Friday - of course, the boys are so geeked about it. Brian's boss is even taking the whole office to see it opening day during lunch. He's so spoiled. Geof still hasn't seen the original, so we'll probably watch it some night before we see the new one.
Peace, till next.