Email from pregnant sister Erin:
-----Original Message-----
From: Erin
To: Very Merry Seamstress; Shannon
Subject: Shower (surprise shower)
Hey guys --
Just wanted to give you a heads up... the baby shower Angela is throwing for me is a surprise... so don't tell me!
She was worried I would go out and buy everything on my registry before they had it, so she told me about it. Now I get to act surprised! This will be all work people, so you don't have to come if you've got other plans.
We are all (including Dad!) planning on going to Mom's BBQ tomorow... are you guys going too? I would love to see you and Dad is very nervous about getting a head count, since he is in charge of bringing corn ;-)
Heather -- Glad to hear you are having "more fun than a bucket of neddies"!
(Side note from Heather: A "Neddie" is a very hyper dog I used to have - lotsa fun - very wiggly)
(PS.. that will become my new expression of the week!) Just be sure to let me know if you need me to remove stuff from the registry. PPS... I have been wanting to sell & buy stuff on e-bay, but I can't remember my seller name and/or password and it won't let me create a new one (it says I already exist) -- any ideas?
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Erin
My response:
-----Original Message-----
From: Very Merry Seamstress
To: Erin; Shannon
Subject: RE: Shower (surprise shower)
Hey, Erin!
Hahaha -
You're a geek. I *almost* emailed you yesterday and said, "Hey! I'm gonna stop buying stuff for you until after your shower!" and then I remembered it was a surprise just before I hit send.
*whew* I'm glad it wasn't MY fault that the cat's
I've got these big Russian dudes ripping out all the windows of my apartment. They have scaffolding set up outside all my windows and they sit out there smoking cigarettes, and saying stuff like this: "Iusyedtr vjehffeg dofghort oierkdsnf lnfoerh fvlneortg iretjjfng!!!! Hahahahaha!!!"
I spy on them. I can press my eyeball up to the window blinds and spy on them like TWO INCHES from where they are standing and they don't even know I'm there. Of course, since I don't understand what they are talking about, they are probably saying,
"Psssst, don't look now, but that BIG SCARY EYEBALL is back in the window again. This chick needs to GET A LIFE."
They are set up outside my SHOWER WINDOW alllllllllllll day. I can't pee. I can't poop. I can't shower because I've got Russian men in my shower window peeking in.
Thursday night is ALWAYS date night, and Brian and I were going to go to dinner and see a movie. I needed to go to Rite Aid Drug Store to get some girly aloe/moisturizer soothing cream 'cuz between the heat, humidity, chafe-y shorts and my sensitive skin, my upper thighs had gotten sweaty and chafed, and I needed relief - not IMMEDIATE relief - but some *eventual* relief.
FINALLY the Russians moved their scaffolding from the window at 3 pm. I needed to color my hair because I look like Gutter Trash Ho, Inc.
I squirted and lathered and basked in ammonia-stink-ooze.
Ten minutes later, at a little after 4 pm yesterday, my power went out. I was miffed, because I was totally grooving on a website all about the Kennedy assassination and the REAL alien autopsy and I lost it.
I figured that the Russians had accidentally cut the power to the apartment, and I was going to give them just a few minutes to fix it before I went Medieval on their hides.
I figured I'd better hog the entire apartment complex water supply in a hurry, because I'll be buggered if I'm gonna lose all my hair from not washing all that goop out of it, simply because the people next door stole all the water first.
I hopped in, lathered up, rinsed off, and was able to hog ALL the water to myself. I exited the bathroom, (still no power), threw on some clothes, headed out to Rite Aid Drug Store for my personal needs, and off to find an ATM for some date night spending scratch.
The Russians said hi as I left and then added, "uhfdrf djnfvouerh sodfhowuef sfmniwhr - Hahahahaha!"
Translation: There's that freaky blonde who keeps staring at us out of her window blinds - Hahahahaha!
Bastards. I hate it when they talk about me.
Anyway, I pulled into Rite Aid and FREAKY-END OF-WORLD GUY is there. The bugger is standing in the door, screaming at the top of his lungs:
IT'S HUGE!! IT'S HUGE!!! THE WHOLE U.S. IS WITHOUT POWER!! THE ELECTRIC COMPANIES HAVE SMOKE BILLOWING OUT OF THEM!!! IT'S GOING TO BE WEEKS BEFORE WE GET POWER BACK!!!
I started to freak. With this revalation, I realize that I can't get my feminine moisturizing cream because the power is out; you can't use debit cards when there's no power; I have no cash.
I drove home, can't find a radio station with an update as to why the world has come to an end - none of the radio stations have power.
I arrive home, called Brian - his phone is dead. And by now, I'm sure he is too.
I ring my mom. Mistake? Maybe . . .
Mom: Hello?
Me: DON'T USE YOUR CORDLESS PHONE!! THERE'S NO POWER!! (not really sure what the hell I was thinking)
Mom: (totally confused) Wha?????
Me: are you on your cordless?????
Mom: ummmmm, yeah? Why?
Me: MOM !!! IT'S HUGE!! THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES HAS LOST POWER - - EXCEPT YOU!!!!!!!
Mom: What???? (clicks tv on)
Me: You got the tv on???? What's happening???? MOM?? IS SOMETHING HAPPENING?????
Mom: (distracted) Yeah, it's on! It's on the news! Quick, turn your tv on!
Me: I DON'T HAVE ANY DAMNED POWER!
Mom: (giggle) Oh, yeah. (giggle)
Me: MOM!! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH, THERE'S NO POWER, AND I GOTTA GET A TUBE OF FEMININE MOISTURIZING CREAM 'CUZ I'M ALL CHAFE-Y DOWN THERE!
(silence)
Mom: Busts out laughing
Me: IT'S NOT FUNNY! THIS IS REALLY SERIOUS!!!!
(silence)
Mom: (Busts out laughing again) Ohhhh, honey. It's ok. Just wait till Brian gets home and you two can have a nice romantic evening (trying to control fits of giggling) OH, WAIT!!! (giggle fit) You CAN'T have a romantic evening!! (giggle fit) YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR FEMININE MOISTURIZING CREAM!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . .
Me: (Waiting for mom to settle down with her laughing fit)
So that's how my day went yesterday - I hope you didn't lose power, and if you did, I hope you didn't call mom.
For the baby shower - don't care - just let me know if I'm supposed to be there or not. I already told Angela that Shannon (other sister) and I will be there, and we will bring food, because mom told us, "Erin is your baby-est sister, and this is very important to her, and if you don't go, it will be just like you've chewed off her feet and made her walk to the nearest homeless shelter without sandals."
So that kinda meant Shannon and I *had* to go - but I don't think we mind. Afterall, I can entertain all your work friends about my feminine moisturizing cream story, right?
See ya tomorrow at Mom's BBQ!
Love,
H
***************
Peace, 'til next.