Dear no-hair big stupid fake cat YES I KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL CATS, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE parents,
What are you thinking? ARE you thinkin?? You shove me in a plastic and wire crate, toss me into the car with plans to send me out to East-Noodle-Siberia with the grand-cat-mother while you two freaks play in Vegas. You're kidding, right?
And then you act all surprised when I freak out and use my nose as a jackhammer to try and bust my way out of your stupid cat prison. It wasn't until I started bleeding all over your stupid, noisy POS truck that you finally got it through your thick skulls that I was *not* going to hang out at your old lady's pad. I've seen DOGS over there and I ain't none-too-fond of sharing my space with nasty droolers. By the way, it was RUDE to pick on my giant nose scab like that.
WHATEVER.
So, you finally take me back home. You fake me out by staying home another day. You actually made me think you CARED. And then what did you do the next day?
YOU LEFT ME HOME ALONE WHILE YOU WENT TO VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!
Your friend showed up a few times to see if I was alive. But hid and made him think I was dead. He was wandering around muttering things like
"Heather's gonna kill me."
"Where is that stupid cat?"
"Kitty, kitty, come out you stupid *&*#@!!ing animal . . . kitty, kitty . . . "
Yeah, that's love. What are you two thinking, leaving me around with someone who can't even respect the cat? Ya'll are some seriously cold creeps, I tell ya.
And to make things worse, all the companions you left me stopped playing with me after a few minutes of "tag." They were really fun at first, flying all around the room. Made me wish I had a pair of wings.
But after a while they kinda stopped moving. So I ate them and left their legs and butts, along with my giant nose scab on your pillow as a gift. Bug legs get stuck in my teeth. You can have those, because you have dental floss and I don't. Another reason you people stink. Always hogging the good stuff for yourselves. Jerks.
I hate you both.
I'm gonna crap on your pillow.
Sincerely,
Mehitabel, the Queen
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT