It's a special wee hours of the morning blog entry:
It's Monday. It's dark. It's roughly three in the morning, or as my sister would call it: Oh-dark-thirty.
I'm awake because I'm itchy, and I'm wriggling around so much that I have almost hurled myself out of bed. My ears are on fire. Mid-scratch, nature made her call, and I stumbled to the bathroom. I stepped into the room and I heard this:
Skitter-skitt-skitter-skitter-skat-skat-skitter-skitter-sliiiiiiide-skit.
Translation: I am the thing nightmares are made of, and I'm directly over your head, ready to rip your face off.
Ohjaysusjinglingjehosephat.
There's a critter somewhere in the ceiling above my head. I'm in the dark, my ears are itching double-time for some weird reason, and I have to pee.
I blast on the light, look around, see nothing . . . But I can *hear* it. And the only thing I know about the shadow-creep-critter is: it ain't friendly, and it's gonna wait till I'm mid-pee to pounce on my head from some hidden corner of the bathroom.
I clear my throat to scare it away. I whistle. It quiets.
I make a mental note: throat feels funny
I pee - it starts to make noise again. I know it's preparing to attack me. I get scared. I finish, RUN back to bed, POUNCE back into bed and scream at Brian, who is sound asleep:
CHEESHUSHHH, BLIAN!!!! DERSH A LEEEEELLLLEEEE BIG FLEEEEEKINNN ANNNMALLLLLLl NNN DA THEEELINK!!!!!!
I make another mental note: That didn't sound right! - scratching ears - why do they itch so much???
Brian, freaked, waking up with a jolt: Huh? What? What did you just say?????
Me: DERSH A LEEEEELLLLEEEE BIG FLEEEEEKINNN ANNNMALLLLLLl NNN DA THEEELINK!!!!!!
Brian, sitting up: WHAT??????
Me: CHEEESH!!! MY TUNNNNN ISH ALLLL SLOLL-N UP!!!!! LOONK! IT FEEELSH HOOOOOOG!!
Brian: Oh my gosh! Look at your tongue!!! It's HUGE!
Me: DASH WHA I SHID!!!!!!!! AND DERSH A LEEEEELLLLEEEE BIG FLEEEEEKINNN ANNNMALLLLLLl NNN DA THEEELINK!!!!!!
Another mental note to self: Never again sushi.
Brian: Are you having an allergic reaction?
Me: Nesh, I tnink tho (nod, nod, nod) Cnnn ooo et me shum bndrllll?
Brian: Want some Benadryl?
Me: Nesh mleesh. (nod, nod, nod, and whispering): lut ar loo dunna doo amout dat leely big annnnmllll nnn da theelink?
Brian: Don't worry - go back to sleep.
********************************
Brain emails me this morning after he gets to work:
Did you call your sister yet and tell her:
"I can't berieve you mashe me eash sushi, and now my fashe ish all
shwollen..."
My response - no, but I called mom and she said "YOU BETTER GO TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE!!!!!!"
(phone call with mom)
Me: Maaahhh I woooll me otay.
Mom: Heather, this isn't something to joke about! I'm going to call you in one hour to make sure you're ok. If you don't answer the phone, I'm sending an ambulance. YOU BETTER ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!!!
Me: Ohhh, foo peeees sake, maahhhh! I woooll meee fiiiiiiine!!!
(58 minutes later my phone rings. The caller ID tells me it's mom)
Me: (picking up the phone, screaming) AAAkkkkkkkk-aaaakkkkkk-JUOBFENMCU-CU-CU-ODAHOFF-N-MUFFERGOOM-BACKITITY-GABGOB!!!! (pause) (gag, gag, cough, cough, gassssssssssp)
(pause)
Mom, in her low, scary mom voice: Heather Lea, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. You just gave your mother a heart attack. That was very unfunny.
Another mental note to myself: feel shame someday
Peash, 'tiw neckth.