While I was out running errands, I decide to finish up the Christmas shopping, 'cuz the rest of the things we need to get are all on Brian's list of stuff to buy, and he'll wait till December 23, which will make me insane.
So, trying my best to make some beautiful gifts, and following the Martha's Rules of Careful Wrapping, I carefully selected my "theme" wrapping paper: metallic pastels.
I'm already feeling a little dorky about it, but I push onward. I buy the two-sided sticky tape, because Martha says, "If you care about your gift recipients, your tape will not be visible."
Whatever. I throw the tape into the basket and move to aisle three.
Bows and Gift Tags.
Instead of the usual sticky bows that Erin's dogs will eat before the gifts are open, ('cuz the sticky backing NEVER actually STICKS), I select a few dozen rolls of metallic curling ribbon. Already I can
envision my metallic gifts, sparking under the lights of the Christmas tree. My Holiday spirit soars and I completely forget my daily woes. I jam to Band-Aid's Christmas carol blaring over the intercom.
Up and down the aisles, looking for the little stocking stuffer gifties, random candles and "extras" to fill in the spaces and fragrant aromas of spiced pumpkin, orange clove and mulberry fill the air around me.
I get home, clean my living room to a spotless shine, shove Brian's skydiving, kayaking, snowboarding gear into the corner and I've got plenty of room to spread out, dive in and wrap The Most Beautiful Gifts Ever.
Martha has assured me that once these babies are wrapped in my perfectly-hued and adorned papers, it won't even matter what's inside!
So I arrange the gifts into piles. There's Brian's pile, my family, his family, friends and a few extras that I can't remember who they go to.
Scissors.
One would think that a seamstress would be able to find just ONE PAIR of scissors. Nope. Not this week. Brian is sewing this week and he's hidden them.
OK, so I get the KITCHEN scissors (those ones that come with the knife sets - the ones that are dull as toilet paper)
I start to shred my metallic paper. Yes, shred. Martha didn't mention how metallic paper tends to shred and once you go off center, you wind up with strange ziz-zagged messy edges. Martha would scowl, for certain.
No problem though. I remember that Martha advises that I fold the edges before taping with my two sided sticky tape so there are no ragged edges.
Did you know that metallic wrapping paper does not crease? Did you know that with two hands, it's impossible to fold the edge, get a piece of ANY tape, not to mention TWO SIDED STICKY TAPE and secure said edge in place?
OK, so after the first gift is wrapped, I have to alter my plan. It looks like it's been wrapped by a hungry cur.
My folded edges have shreds sticking out and my two-sided sticky tape IS VISIBLE. Now all those black invisible-before,-but-get-them-near- anything-WHITE-or-STICKY cat hairs are poking up off the package like ten-day shaggy beard growth.
I set the package aside for a re-wrap once I've mastered the Martha system.
I try again. This time I don't shred the metallic paper but I'm sick of trying to crease this damn stuff, and I say to hell with the whole folded edge step. Nobody's gonna DIE from having an unfolded edge. I get the sticky tape unstuck from my finger and tape down the edge. No cat hairs - YET, but this tape is *still* visible.
OK, it's not perfect, but it's tolerable. It can be salvaged. I pull out the metallic curling ribbon, choose an appropriate hue to match the metallic paper. Note: This next section is a visual and it may not work, but here goes:
I am on the floor with my "attempt" at Martha wrapping. Curling ribbon is cut and ready to go. I pull it underside, criss- cross it, flip it and try to tie it. It's off center and is not aligning with the "cross" part of the "criss."
Try again with new ribbon, because I've creased the ribbon and it won't curl now. (ummm, why is the ribbon creasing, but not the paper?!?!?!)
Try again. I get to the tie-the-knot part and realize the problem is that I just don't have enough hands!!! So I carefuly bring my big toe out, hold the "criss" at the "cross" do a quick knot and firmly tie my toe to the gift.
Try again. New ribbon, because once again, I've ruined the curling ribbon and it's not curling, but is instead, CREASING.
I swear. Loudly. The cat hisses.
At the last minute, just before I am to tie off a beautiful bow, I yank my toe out of the way and send the gift sailing across the room. The cat loves it. She chews on the curling ribbon. Ever see a cat's tail that's been licked too much? All bony and hairs sticking out and kinda limp? That's what my curling ribbon looked like.
So now the gifts are in a pile. They *are* wrapped. I gave up on the stupid two-sided sticky tape when the cat walked by with a gift stuck to her elbow.
I took a drive to buy a 4-pack of cheap Scotch brand, ditched the two-sided JUNK, and if my family complains about visible tape, I'm going to wrap their gifts in Walmart bags and chunks of silver duct tape forever.
The curling ribbon had to go. The cat tried to eat it off every one of the gifts and I remembered back to the "chicken string incident" and decided I didn't want to be pulling metallic curling ribbon from the
cat's butt on Christmas morning.
The folded edge - yeah, right. I just don't have enough hands. Why does Martha have enough hands? Am I really that hand-challenged????
The labels. There weren't enough. Those super fancy ones only have about 5 per package. I guess I should've checked that out a little closer. I came to a great solution though, once I ran out of them.
Five gifts have beautiful gold-leaf reindeer and wreath gift tags. The rest of the gifts have huge black sharpie permanent marker names scratched
on them . . . because regular pens DON'T WRITE ON METALLIC PAPER.
If Martha saw them, she'd crap on spot.
Me? I'm glad they're done . . . and truth be told, I had a lot of fun, even though they don't look even a little bit like Martha gifts . . . they look TOTALLY like "Heather" gifts.
Merry Christmas! :-) Chop trees safely!
Peace, till next
