For our wedding, we dealt with an interesting dilemma: Do rented porta-potties come with toilet paper?
We did not know, so figuring it's better to be safe than sh*tty, we bought a mother load of TP from BJs for our special day.
When you buy toilet paper in bulk, you're buying the most basic, barely functional stuff on earth. Concerned about biodegradation? Don't be. This stuff disintegrates as soon as it touches your skin.
The name of the brand we bought, appropriately enough, was EXETER. We laughed a good ten minutes about that one. And our thrifty shopping bought us approximately 48 rolls of long-lasting, sand-paper chafing, thickness-of-an-amoeba plastic bag O' butt-wipin' fun.
On Saturday, June 12, we discovered that rented porta-potties DO come with toilet paper - and we were stuck with a lifetime supply of EXETER toilet paper for ourselves.
We tried to pawn it off on friends and relatives.
"ohhhh, no thanks. I have sensitive skin." they all said with a pleasant grin.
We couldn't let 48 rolls of TP go to compete waste, so being the frugal chickadee that I am, I planted some in the downstairs bathroom. I planted some in the upstairs bathroom. I planted some in the living room to use as tissues. I planted some on the nightstand for the same purpose.
I swear to the heavens that this horrific stuff actually multiplied behind our backs. A package of normal toilet paper doesn't last more than a week in our house. Brian and I started to mourn the absence of our beloved Charmin with a touch of aloe after the first week of EXETER use.
First, in order for the stuff to work, you have to unroll a length of about 40 feet. And even then, if you crumple it, you've still only got a golf ball-sized wad. And it crinkles when you handle it. Toilet paper should not make noise.
For nose-blowing, you can't get away with a single layer. A double layer isn't going to do it either. Half the time, a quad-rollover is going to break - depending on the force of the blow. So, to ensure a mess-free nostril explosion, you must use at least eight layers of EXETER. And no matter what, don't do the pos-blow inner-nostril wipe down with EXETER. You'll be scarred for life (or at least for the next week).
So, for nearly five months, Brian and I have been trying to use up the EXETER toilet paper - and for the last two months, we have been trying to find more creative ways to put it to good use.
If you can tolerate tiny balls of quickly disintegrating toilet paper, EXETER can be used as a sponge to scour the bathtub.
It can be used to clean up cat vomit - but only if you used a LOT of it.
Yesterday was the final day of EXETER use and Brian and I threw a little party for ourselves. We bought a package of our beloved Charmin with a touch of aloe and squeezed it tightly. (Sorry, Mr. Whipple!) We ceremoniously took the spent EXETER tube off the toilet paper dispensing cylinder and replaced with with a puffy, fluffy roll of pillowed, cottony tush-goodness.
Ahhhhh, heaven.
As I welcomed touch-of-aloe Charmin back into my life, I started unrolling the puffy thickness and realized, out of EXETER habit, I had pulled free half of the entire roll of Charmin. It was enough to pad a mattress - and most certainly would have clogged our entire plumbing system for the next five years.
(if nothing else, I can say something good about our pal EXETER, is that no matter how hard you try, it would be impossible to clog a toilet with that stuff.)
Welcome back cushiony-cottony softness (with a touch of aloe). We missed you!
Peace, till next
