I have preeclampsia. The big pee jug betrayed me and told the doctor I have kidney crud. My blood pressure went up - even though I only eat unsalted cardboard now. Doc warned me that if the blood pressure goes up, he's gonna throw me in the clink (hospital) for the duration of the pregnancy.
Bed rest at home is a kazillion times better than being stuck in a dreary hospital, so send me low-blood pressure vibes!
On the UP side - my heroic husband installed the toilet in the new bathroom all by himself, and now I can crap downstairs! YAY!!!
I tried it out yesterday and was lost in a momentary lapse of terror, as . . . I . . . reached . . . for . . . .
A little background:
Brother-in-law Brett (Brian's sibling) has these two amazing monster cats. I don't know if they actually are cats, or if they are some sort of weird failed-experiment mutant cats. Each one weighs about 98 lbs - (kind of a cross bettween a normal house cat and a scary, hissing, plus-sized wombat), and they hide all day, tunnelling under Brett's blankets. They dislike people immensely and hiss if you lift the covers for a peek.
Brett's "womcats" aren't just "big" - they're morbidly obese sideshow freaks. And they're so enormous that they can't reach their nether-regions to clean themselves after a good refreshing squat in the litter box.
Brother Brett has to do this ritualistic cleansing of the fatcats' backsides on a regular basis - and will have to do so until these porkers shed a few pounds.
So here I am, on my brand, spankin' new johnny-loo, and the toilet paper is resting comfortably on the porcelain tank behind me. Unfortunately, my belly is so big it's prohibiting me from making any sort of a reach-and-grab even remotely possible.
I lunge. Lunging isn't possible either, and my right cheek slips enough to give me that scary "I've fallen into the bowl" heart-lurch, and sends my blood pressure up a notch.
My mind's eye flashes to an image of Brett wiping his womcats' butts for them and fear overwhelms me. Is this my fate? Am I destined to be the next Piper womcat?
See, these are things people don't tell you about when you're prepapring for the Joys of Pregnancy.