So, yesterday the Briguy comes in the house all pant-y and breathless. For a brief second I think he's looking for some Pre-Thanksgiving grab-n-grope action - but, alas, he's all pant-y and breathless - NOT because of me - but because he's working with power tools. . .
His chainsaw, to be exact. And, as he put it, "Whee-hew! That REALLY gets the blood pumping!"
He went on to explain that he just finished leveling the first of the "cruddy trees" that need to come down for my 24-hour Little House Marathon. He tore into one of the lopsided locust trees, and as soon as he heard the start of the SNAPCRACKLEGETTHEHELLOUTOFTHEWAYPOP noise, he said the endorphins kicked in and he saw the Tree of Death come hurtling to earth - causing him to RUN LIKE THE DICKENS to get out of the way.
"It was awesome." he panted.
I went out to survey the damage, and, indeed, saw a Godzilla-sized tree laid out horizontally across my lawn.
"Is that where you were aiming?" I asked and pointed at the tree.
"Nah," he answered and pointed the opposite direction. "This one was just practice though. I'll aim the next one." And he winked at me.
As hard as I tried, I just couldn't give a firm endorsement of this project. Trees like to land on people and houses and dogs. I asked him, "Couldya please leave the rest of these for the tree guy who is coming TOMORROW?"
"I just saved us $75!" He explained with great pride in his voice.
I sighed, realizing the battle was lost, and told him, "Next time TELL ME when you're leveling trees! If that tree had landed on YOU, I never would have known and it would have been DAYS before the dog dragged you to the porch!"
But, man being man, he couldn't NOT destroy that which was in front of him. There was just one thing standing between his wife and Pure Prairie Bliss, and By Gertie, he was gonna cut it down and kill it.
I watched secretly from the porch. And I videotaped it for insurance evidence. . . . just in case they tried to accuse me of evil doing, I wanted everyone to know that he was doing this all on his own.
Now, I love this man with all my heart. He's a wonderful father, and a fabulous husband, and there's nothing he can't do. But there are moments . . . . moments like these:
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-zingzingzing. . . putterputterputter. . . He stands back and waits for the tree to fall.
ZING-za-za-CRACKCRACKCRACK---------
and everything at this moment shut down to super-slow-motion-and-I-watched-my-normally-very-cool-collected-and-calm-husband- TOTALLY-SPAZZY-FREAK-look-up-at-the treetop-and-realized-that-the-GODZILLA-SIZED- DOG/HOUSE/HUSBAND- CRUSHING-TREE-was-making-the-very-loud-CRACKCRACKCRACK-sound- and-without-further-ado-my-chin-hit-the-floor-as-I-watched-the-damn-fool-man-
RUN, TRIPPING THROUGH THE SHRUBBERY WITH THE CHAINSAW STILL RUNNING AND ZINZINGZING-ING IN HIS HANDS.
Now, granted, he only ran a step or two before shutting it off - but it didn't stop me from totally losing the Heatherness Cool.
"SHUT IT OFF!" I screamed and announced that the chainsaw game was offically called on the grounds of NOT SHUTTING IT DOWN FAST ENOUGH!!!!!! He agreed as he pant-pant-panted his way into the house.
Later I told him that the evidence was indisputable. I had it all on videotape and there was no way he could deny ANY of it.
He sighed to himself and told me that in those split seconds, as he heard the tree cracking and preparing to crash down upon him, his first instinct was NOT to shut the chainsaw off, but instead was to start using the chainsaw to tear up all the shrubbery that was causing him to trip as he ran away from the collapsing tree.
Why can't he just run with scissors like the rest of the world?
Peace, till next