Meet my sister-in-law, Jane.
Jane is THE ULTIMATE PARENT. Her kids are beautiful, well-mannered and she does motherly things with them, like take them to the zoo. So, when it came to our own child-rearing questions, who did we call? Why, Jane, of course.
Me: How often are we supposed to give Elizabeth a bath? She's not dirty or anything, but the magazines say we should make bathing part of our evening routine.
Jane: Yeah, um, I'm not sure you want to ask ME that question, because as far as baths go, the boys have swimming lessons once a week, and we consider that to technically be one of their "bath nights."
This year Jane politely offered to host a Christmas Eve celebration at her home, assuming that my parents-in-law would decline the offer and host the usual gathering at their home.
Instead, they gratefully accepted the offer, and Brian, Elizabeth and I accepted the family invitation. Once her stress of having to make two appetizers for the crowd wore off, Jane told us stories about her mother's (who hails from across the pond) mouthwatering anise balls. . . .
Except Jane pronounces ANISE like this: AY-nuss. Put it all together: AY-nuss balls; and you have an entire house filled with howling Pipers. Especially when she says things like:
My mom's anise balls smell SO good!
My mom's anise balls are absolutely delicious!
My mom's anise balls are perfectly bite-sized!
Later, we put Elizabeth to bed in her pack n' play in Jane's bedroom, and us grown-up-type people decided to play a game. In the middle of a Scattergories challenge, Jane felt the onset of an asthma attack coming on. Unfortunately, her inhaler was in her bedroom - where E-Beth was sound asleep.
We threatened her and told her how kiddo would be scarred for life if Jane woke her up, to which Jane replied, "wheeeeeezeHA wheeeeeezeHA wheeeeeezeHA. I'm only wheeeeeezefrickin' DYINGwheeeeeezeHERE!"
Jane lunged up the stairs, quietly opened her bedroom door and slinked into the room, out of sight.
Elizabeth, of course, woke up and started screaming immediately, Jane took a heave-ho on the inhaler, ran out of the room and laughed as she announced, "I was being REALLY quiet, guys, HONEST! I was sneaking around in there, going commando and everything!"
We all blinked silently, mouths agape, then looked at each other.
"What? What are you staring at me for?" she asked.
Brian hesitated and replied, "Ummm, we think that YOUR "commando" is not the same thing as OUR "commando" . . . "
Jane: Why, what do YOU think it is?
Brian: Ummm, "without wearing any underwear?"
Jane: GET OUT! It means 007, James Bond, or how some secret enemy spy would sneak around a room. . .
Brian: Well, now you know why Elizabeth is screaming up there - you jumped over her pack n' play . . . commando - I think I would scream too!
For those who like games, here's a Jeopardy answer for all of you:
"Fifty Dollars."
And the answer: "What is the cost to replace a Dish Network remote control when your daughter pukes all over it and makes it so that it smells like lactose-free formula and then it never ever works again."
The benefit of a Dish Network remote control that no longer works? Your husband goes to bed at nine pm, because:
A) He's totally grossed out by the smell of the vomited-on remote control and won't even TRY to fix it
B) He can't OBSESSIVELY FLIP THROUGH THE GUIDE LISTINGS BETWEEN "DIRTY JOBS" AND "MONSTER GARAGE" . . . . . .
Ugh.
Peace, till next