The Stitch

One of the more exciting events of the Piper summer (apart from the COMPLETION OF UPSTAIRS REMODELING, FINALLY) will be the digging of a one-acre pond in the back yard. A choice was made between the pond and a pool, and the pond ranked highest for being more user-friendly.

Here's why:

* You can't kayak in a pool (not without risking a big rip in the liner when a fellow dingbat flips the kayak off the diving board, just ask my mom).

* You can't keep fish in a pool. Well, you CAN, but the chlorine messes with the fishy gene pool, among other things (like the ability to exist).

* You can't have a Victorian ice skating party on a pool. (Yes, this is one of the biggest reasons *I* want a pond. How much of a geek does that make me?)

However, the BIG selling point, as it was explained to me by several wayward skydivers:

When you build a pond, you are left with about 10 tons of earth with which to play. That dirt can be built into a giant ramp. The giant ramp will be an all-season ramp:

In the summer it will lead to the festive sports of "ramp kayaking," "parachute ponding" and "water mountain-biking."

In the winter it will be used for "snowboard leaping" (as towed behind an ATV), "winter ramp kayaking," (also, as towed) and "dangerously icy ramp parachuting."

In the fall, when it's too cold for swimming, it will probably be used for late night bonfire, intoxicated-accidental-skinny-dipping by falling off the big dirt ramp while peeing.

Dittos for icy-water spring., of course.

Skydivers. They're adoptable. Email for further information.

On the kidlet front, we recently reached a major milestone: The turning of the car seat from rear-facing to front-facing. I've been terribly eager for this event, thinking that it would make E-Beth's car-riding experience much more enjoyable. Alas. Not so much. This is what I have deduced:

* When a child faces backwards in the car seat, he/she believes that cars are a mystical teleportation device that allows them to travel backwards, alone, from point A to point B. Mom or Dad plugs him/her into the seat, shuts the door, starts the rumble-dee-bumble noise and then next thing you know, you've arrived at your destination and WHOA! MOM or DAD is at the same place too! (How did THAT happen??) You can't see anything except the back of the seat and the road upon which you've already traveled, and everyone knows if you can't SEE people, that MUST mean that nobody is in the teleportation device with you. It does no good to scream and cry if nobody can hear you.

E-Logic 101: If a tree falls in a forest, there's no sense in screaming. Dead trees don't pay much attention to a screaming childypants.

* When a child faces FRONT, he/she can see you. All of the sudden there is someone who pays attention when crying/screaming/strapped-body-flailing commences. This is no longer a mystical teleportation device, this is illegal torture. Mom or Dad ignores said child, and pays attention to this crap called "THE ROAD AHEAD" and "TRAFFIC."

So much for making her car riding experience better. I've now accomplished the first of many changes that will make her life unbearable. Wait till she hits 16. Boy, have I got a few surprises up my sleeve.