The Stitch

When you told us that payback was gonna be a bitch, you weren't a kiddin', were you? If an apology is all you require, please accept my most humbled attempt at sincerity:

I am truly sorry for every loud, obnoxious gift I ever gave to your children.

I am sorry that none of the gifts I gave came with an off button and had a volume of epically brain-drilling proportions.

Jake the Snake? The rabid, remote-controlled viper, complete with VIPER-STRIKING action? Ouch. I'm sorry. I know that one made a big impression.

The hovercraft INDOOR soccer ball? Yeah, sorry about that one, too. I understand that kicking hard plastic objects around the house probably shouldn't be encouraged.

I now have a new-found appreciation for educational, silent toys and I will never again bestow another blinking, screeching, motion-activated, freakish, kickable, 'virtually-alive' gift on your children.

Adam would like to thank you for the new ULTRA SENSITIVE talking barnyard sounds Aquadoodle mat. Apparently you heard about his new favorite game, PILLOW HURL. Because the talking mat has a pillow attached to it. On which Adam likes to hurl himself. And the hurling action activates those really spectacular LOUD barnyard sounds, including a screaming child, a revving tractor, an angry pig, a barking dog and a herd of mating chickens.

And the mat - well, it's touch sensitive. So as soon as the magic Aquadoodle pen touches it, it starts singing OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM, E-I-E-I-O. And thank goodness it sings the WHOLE SONG because we weren't sure about how many animals lived on Old MacDonald's farm until you gave Adam this AWESOME mat.

46. Yes, that's right. There are 46 animals living on Old MacDonald's farm and Adam's new mat sings about every blessed one of 'em. The song lasts about 8 hours.

And as an added bonus, the mat is also location sensitive, too! So when Adam pounds the pen on the upper right corner, Fido lets loose a string of four-thousand feisty barks, which activates SKYE'S barking sounds, because he is very eager to protect his family from the apparent DOG INFESTATION in the living room.

Lower, center-right features a sheep stampede. Did you know that Skye is a herding dog, Jane?

And good news, Jane! The cat loves the mat, too! At four a.m. she likes to playfully scamper across it to activate the music, which sends her into a frenzied OMGWTFWASTHAT? freak-out session, causing her to charge back and forth across the mat a thousand times before realizing that SHE is the one causing the barnyard animals to screech relentlessly at her.

No volume control, which means it's always at full throttle. And the kids LOVE it, which means we're never allowed to turn the damn thing OFF. You scored HUGE points with the kids, not-so-huge points with the parents. But that was what you were going for, wasn't it?

Truce, please? I'll make a big batch of fudge for you if you'll say yes.