The Stitch

I am, quite possibly, the worst cook on earth. I know why I am a horrible cook, yet I do nothing to help myself (or my poor unsuspecting "taste testers" - namely Brian and Skye).

I am a lousy cook because:

A) I don't pay enough attention to what I'm doing.
B) I experiment too much.
C) I substitute with reckless abandon.

Normally creativity works for me - but when it comes to matters of the kitchen, I lose all judgement (and taste) and it rarely works in my favor.

A) PAY ATTENTION:
Heather's great Thanksgiving chocolate pie
Ingredients:
One pre-made pie crust (Yes, I cheat)
Instant chocolate pudding mix
Can-squirt whipped topping (more fun than Cool Whip)

Directions: Mix pudding, dump into pie crust, cover with whipped topping.

However, if you pay attention, you should notice that the pie crust has an almost invisible CLEAR PLASTIC COVER over it. If you remove it BEFORE you fill it with chocolate pudding, it tastes much better, and you won't break your teeth off on the plastic.

Also, if you make the pie the night before Thanksgiving, DO NOT SQUIRT THE WHIPPED TOPPING ONTO THE PIE UNTIL JUST BEFORE SERVING. Otherwise you will wind up with pudding soup with a white watery substance floating on top.

B) USE CAUTION WHEN EXPERIMENTING
Heather's Spicy Squitter Soup
Ingredients
Water
Meat base
Variety of veggies
Pasta
Variety of spices, including peppercorns.

Directions:
Dump into pot and boil

Note: Just because you read on the internet that peppercorns are a GREAT food for fighting off colds and other viruses, don't assume that "the more the merrier." A whole box of peppercorns should last a long time - like a LIFETIME. Very spicy, and very cleansing.

C) SUBSTITUTE INGREDIENTS WISELY
I have learned that the following items should never be substituted for one another:

Peanut butter instead of beef
Vegemite instead of peanut butter
Powdered milk instead of baking soda
Mayonnaise instead of marshmallow fluff (REALLY bad when making fudge)
Chunks of white bread instead of pasta
A1 Steak Sauce instead of molasses
Potatoes instead of apples
Flavored, unsweetened cool-aid instead of sugar
Jell-O instead of sugar
Paraffin wax and milk instead of butter
shredded baker's chocolate instead of hot cocoa mix

Now, last night my substitutions *finally* worked in my favor! I wanted to make a simple dish of scalloped potatoes and ham. Easy enough, right? Well, we were out of a few key ingredients: Milk and flour.

However, I'll have you know that you CAN make a decent batch of scalloped potatoes and ham without those two ingredients - all you need is about an extra 2 sticks of butter and Krusteaz buttermilk pancake mix! Voila! You've got creamy scalloped potatoes and ham without having to get off your lazy bottom and go to the store for milk and flour!

I'm all for that.

Of course, you'll die from clogged arteries within 10 minutes of eating it . . . But that's the risk you take when substituting. I consider myself somewhat of a culinary pioneer - Like Christopher Columbus, Emeril and Ron Popiel all mixed together.

Anyway - I digress. Or digest. Or something like that.

So the next time you're feeling adventurous, remember:

REMEMBER:
S eek out this article
U se a similar ingredient
B e experimental
S earch the Internet
T ry another recipe
I nvestigate your cookbooks
T ry calling your neighbor
U se this as a learning experience
T ake time to go to the store
E at out!

Peace, till next